So today, I have felt a small light glimmering from a long distance! Getting wrapped up in a past experience is exhausting work..if you know why you're there!!! I go there when I know some thing big is about to happen! My oldest daughter Emily will head off to university in the fall of 2012, some laugh and say...don't worry so soon! It's not really worry, it's sad/happy anticipation and a mixed bag of feelings! Em's gone places! Lots of places! This year she will go to Europe for her grade 12 school trip...last year it was Calgary for a few weeks and then there's the trip to Utah in February for her Audition at Utah state! Where she hopes to attend for a music therapy degree! So, she is well traveled and that's only a small part of it! SO, it's not panic, just a sense of a turning point in my life! While she moves forward I take a step back to see where that leaves me! I have no problem with the idea of cutting apron Strings! I am just plain and simple going to miss the bejeebers out of her! We've been together forever..luckily I know it's going to stay that way but the definition of together is going to change A LOT!
As for visiting the past to clear a way for the future! I get very sluggish when big things are going to change, mind and body shut down to a bare minimum performance rate to compensate for all the thoughts and plans that are about to take place!
I have long since known that Truro NS is where I was born, grew up but that I would get out. I remember reasons and questions and the joy of getting OUT!
I remember coming back and hearing someone suggest that maybe while Emily is healing I can too! I kinda ran away from here they thought! Well yes and you would too! Another part of the story for another day!
There was good reason to go...HAD NO REASON TO STAY! And so it is with the future! NO GOOD REASON TO STAY! Once Emily moves on! I am going to move on too! The kids and I will return to AB. I cringe at all the work needing to be done for this to happen! BUT I rejoice in knowing that it will all come together! QUESTION...can I learn from the past and give it to the future! My future and the future of my youngest kids! Start now to be ready to leave in a year! Embrace the good people who are here! Love them build on what we have so it doesn't die when we leave! I hope so! I need to do more than hope! I need to do!
I am hoping against all hope that my loose ends from the past are sewn up tight as a drum so they don't come unraveled ever again! It's been interesting to learn that the past has a way of making us forget the ugly truth and dream of what could have been! Dreaming usually indicates a future of something bigger but I have dreamed a lot of the past and wished it could have been different!
I am off on an adventure....one that will return my children to a world they have been waiting for! A world from which they came! Family, friends, faith, and fun! For me, sisters, sharing, support and stability!
Friday 15 July 2011
Tuesday 12 July 2011
Happy Birthday!
Well, today I am celebrating in my heart, Em's 17th birthday! ( She's off visiting with friends at their cottage in NB) One thing I wondered for a very long time now is, does MY mother even remember me on my birthday! I turned 40 in May, did she feel that! Did it come to her mind at all...did or do I ever come to her mind! She comes to mine! Lots of people ask me, do you want to find her! I have thought so much on it! Two answers I have always given are; NO, I love my dad and in his memory I would not dishonor that! And the other, No why would I want to be rejected all over again! Of course I am human and wonder if she would reject me or be extremely over joyed to see me! Hold me tight and never want to let go! Part of me is afraid she would tell me how awful my dad was to her, this is something my aunt (mom's side) told me he was! I don't think my dad was perfect but as a single parent of five very busy needful children I am not perfect so I can look back and see that dad was not perfect but he was doing the best he knew how!
So with that being said I wondered today, does Aaron ever wonder about Emily! Does he feel anything on this extraordinary day! Hmmmmmmmmmm
So the unanswered question is..........when you have a child or children does that feeling ever go away? Some in my life have led me to believe the answer is YES! My own mother, the father of my first born, and how does this affect me! How does it affect the generations to come! My children don't know their grandmother nor will their children know their great grand mother! I have a daughter! A beautiful , strong, loving, honorable, kind, gentle, sweet, intelligent, cool, funny, innocent, friendly, well you get the picture...she's perfect! He has NO IDEA! WHY? He chose long ago to exit! My mother chose to exit as well!
Being a mom, a mother of 5 perfect blessings, I just cannot fathom ever leaving! I know! I come ever too close some days but when all is said and done NOTHING or NO ONE could ever remove me from this place! I can't define this place! I can't even tell you what it is that makes me stay...through all of the joys and sorrows! The mess, the order, the chaos, the calm, the sweet , the sour, you name it we've experienced it! That is quite possibly the answer in itself! EXPERIENCE is what drives some away but I know it is what makes me stay! As I wrote yesterday! This is a journey I am not sure I can handle! I want it to end in a neat and tidy answer. A way to explain my pain and hurt, my fears and questions, my hopes my dreams!! I know it wont, just as that lady says.....it wont work out like that but it will work out! It will change me for the better or I've not done it right!
Anyway, to some this will be more rambling! I write for ME! I write to get it out! I write to let it go! although, I might have to do more than write! It is still here after 37 years! I want to leave the past in the past but it keeps coming back! I really think people come into our lives for a reason! EVERYONE of you, my friends family neighbors have a purpose for me! You to me or me to you!
Happy Birthday! The first few maybe! The rest have always felt a little hollow, I wonder if Emily feels that way! I love you Emily!
So with that being said I wondered today, does Aaron ever wonder about Emily! Does he feel anything on this extraordinary day! Hmmmmmmmmmm
So the unanswered question is..........when you have a child or children does that feeling ever go away? Some in my life have led me to believe the answer is YES! My own mother, the father of my first born, and how does this affect me! How does it affect the generations to come! My children don't know their grandmother nor will their children know their great grand mother! I have a daughter! A beautiful , strong, loving, honorable, kind, gentle, sweet, intelligent, cool, funny, innocent, friendly, well you get the picture...she's perfect! He has NO IDEA! WHY? He chose long ago to exit! My mother chose to exit as well!
Being a mom, a mother of 5 perfect blessings, I just cannot fathom ever leaving! I know! I come ever too close some days but when all is said and done NOTHING or NO ONE could ever remove me from this place! I can't define this place! I can't even tell you what it is that makes me stay...through all of the joys and sorrows! The mess, the order, the chaos, the calm, the sweet , the sour, you name it we've experienced it! That is quite possibly the answer in itself! EXPERIENCE is what drives some away but I know it is what makes me stay! As I wrote yesterday! This is a journey I am not sure I can handle! I want it to end in a neat and tidy answer. A way to explain my pain and hurt, my fears and questions, my hopes my dreams!! I know it wont, just as that lady says.....it wont work out like that but it will work out! It will change me for the better or I've not done it right!
Anyway, to some this will be more rambling! I write for ME! I write to get it out! I write to let it go! although, I might have to do more than write! It is still here after 37 years! I want to leave the past in the past but it keeps coming back! I really think people come into our lives for a reason! EVERYONE of you, my friends family neighbors have a purpose for me! You to me or me to you!
Happy Birthday! The first few maybe! The rest have always felt a little hollow, I wonder if Emily feels that way! I love you Emily!
Monday 11 July 2011
Vulnerability! Why I created this blog in the first place but may not have known it!!
SO! Today I stalked a guy from Utah! Don't panic he's on my FRIENDS list! I hardly know him! He served a mission here many years ago..I was but a baby:O)...okay, a 15 year old baby...40 makes me think like this!
I fairly often stalk him because I know for whatever reason I will gain something from it! However, I was not prepared to hear or see what I did today! Breaking down in tears in the ''comfort " of my messy house I listened to an explanation that I knew existed but could not for the life of me figure out on my own or put into words! So for instance, I would tell my then husband, " I don't know what it is, I just don't feel completely plugged in to my children!" "I am not committed to my life! And I am disconnected somehow someway from me!" I would follow those comments with " that is just foreign to me as a member of the church because I know who I am "
I have been so conflicted for so long over all of these thoughts, that I claimed to be depressed and fought through it drugless and hiding! Friends and what little family I have supported my self diagnosis and called it normal! A mother of 5, a challenging history and no family to speak of but the one I created with two different RM husbands! I knew though that deep down there was someway to explain what I was desperately trying to articulate with no success!
This post explains it exactly how I was thinking it! I LOL literally when she told her therapist to skip the childhood crap! HAHAAH I know that has a lot to do with who my inner child is! My outer child knows better but battles constantly with the inner to have the lovely end result I am known for! Of course what I'm known for I do not understand! I know the real me and I am terrified by it! My hope is that finding this talk, listening to it and studying it out will help me to find what I know I have been missing for a very long time! In case you did not get what that is from what I wrote! The answer is ME!
Time to be a little more selfish for me and do the things that I want to do so I can be the mom my kids need and not the mom they have right now! Please no one respond with.... Sharon you are really beating yourself up here! I am NOT! I know exactly how I feel and this lady has hit the nail on my head! Now rather than sit and stew I must go and do remembering of course 1 Nephi 3:7!
Application is NEVER easy! Prayers welcome! This begins an interesting journey that will no doubt be rocky and rough but sorely needed! Thanks again Brian Borup!
I fairly often stalk him because I know for whatever reason I will gain something from it! However, I was not prepared to hear or see what I did today! Breaking down in tears in the ''comfort " of my messy house I listened to an explanation that I knew existed but could not for the life of me figure out on my own or put into words! So for instance, I would tell my then husband, " I don't know what it is, I just don't feel completely plugged in to my children!" "I am not committed to my life! And I am disconnected somehow someway from me!" I would follow those comments with " that is just foreign to me as a member of the church because I know who I am "
I have been so conflicted for so long over all of these thoughts, that I claimed to be depressed and fought through it drugless and hiding! Friends and what little family I have supported my self diagnosis and called it normal! A mother of 5, a challenging history and no family to speak of but the one I created with two different RM husbands! I knew though that deep down there was someway to explain what I was desperately trying to articulate with no success!
This post explains it exactly how I was thinking it! I LOL literally when she told her therapist to skip the childhood crap! HAHAAH I know that has a lot to do with who my inner child is! My outer child knows better but battles constantly with the inner to have the lovely end result I am known for! Of course what I'm known for I do not understand! I know the real me and I am terrified by it! My hope is that finding this talk, listening to it and studying it out will help me to find what I know I have been missing for a very long time! In case you did not get what that is from what I wrote! The answer is ME!
Time to be a little more selfish for me and do the things that I want to do so I can be the mom my kids need and not the mom they have right now! Please no one respond with.... Sharon you are really beating yourself up here! I am NOT! I know exactly how I feel and this lady has hit the nail on my head! Now rather than sit and stew I must go and do remembering of course 1 Nephi 3:7!
Application is NEVER easy! Prayers welcome! This begins an interesting journey that will no doubt be rocky and rough but sorely needed! Thanks again Brian Borup!
Thursday 21 April 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)