Vulnerability! Why I created this blog in the first place but may not have known it!!

SO! Today I stalked a guy from Utah! Don't panic he's on my FRIENDS list! I hardly know him! He served a mission here many years ago..I was but a baby:O)...okay,  a 15 year old baby...40 makes me think like this!
I fairly often stalk him because I know for whatever reason I will gain something from it! However, I was not prepared to hear or see what I did today! Breaking down in tears in the ''comfort " of my messy house I listened to an explanation that I knew existed but could not for the life of me figure out on my own or put into words! So for instance, I would tell my then husband, " I don't know what it is, I just don't feel completely plugged in to my children!" "I am not committed to my life! And I am disconnected somehow someway from me!" I would follow those comments with " that is just foreign to me as a member of the church because I know who I am "
I have been so conflicted for so long over all of these thoughts, that I claimed to be depressed and fought through it drugless and hiding! Friends and what little family I have supported my self diagnosis and called it  normal! A mother of 5, a challenging history and no family to speak of but the one I created with two different RM husbands! I knew though that deep down there was someway to explain what I was desperately trying  to articulate with no success!
This post explains it exactly how I was thinking it! I LOL literally when she told her therapist to skip the childhood crap! HAHAAH I know that has a lot to do with who my inner child is! My outer child knows better but battles constantly with the inner to have the lovely end result I am known for! Of course what I'm known for I do not understand! I know the real me and I am terrified by it! My hope is that finding this talk, listening to it and studying it out will help me to find what I know I have been missing for a very long time!  In case you did not get what that is from what I wrote! The answer is ME!
Time to be a little more selfish for me and do the things that I want to do so I can be the mom my kids need and not the mom they have right now! Please no one respond with.... Sharon you are really beating yourself up here! I am NOT! I know exactly how I feel and this lady has hit the nail on my head! Now rather than sit and stew I must go and do remembering of course 1 Nephi 3:7!
Application is NEVER easy! Prayers welcome! This begins an interesting journey that will no doubt be rocky and rough but sorely needed! Thanks again Brian Borup!