Happy Birthday!

Well, today I am celebrating in my heart, Em's 17th birthday! ( She's off visiting with friends at their cottage in NB) One thing I wondered for a very long time now is, does MY mother even remember me on my birthday!  I turned 40 in May, did she feel that! Did it come to her mind at all...did or do I ever come to her mind! She comes to mine! Lots of people ask me, do you want to find her! I have thought so much on it! Two answers I have always given are; NO, I love my dad and in his memory I would not dishonor that! And the other, No why would I want to be rejected all over again! Of course I am human and wonder if she would reject me or be extremely over joyed to see me! Hold me tight and never want to let go! Part of me is afraid she would tell me how awful my dad was to her, this is something my aunt (mom's side) told me he was! I don't think my dad was perfect but as a single parent of five very busy needful children I am not perfect so I can look back and see that dad was not perfect but he was doing the best he knew how!
So with that being said I wondered today, does Aaron ever wonder about Emily! Does he feel anything on this extraordinary day! Hmmmmmmmmmm
So the unanswered question is..........when you have a child or children does that feeling ever go away? Some in my life have led me to believe the answer is YES! My own mother, the father of my first born, and how does this affect me! How does it affect the generations to come! My children don't know their grandmother nor will their children know their great grand mother! I have a daughter! A beautiful , strong, loving, honorable, kind, gentle, sweet, intelligent,  cool, funny, innocent, friendly, well you get the picture...she's perfect! He has NO IDEA! WHY? He chose long ago to exit! My mother chose to exit as well!
Being a  mom, a mother of 5 perfect blessings, I just cannot fathom ever leaving! I know! I come ever too close some days but when all is said and done NOTHING or NO ONE could ever remove me from this place! I can't define this place! I can't even tell you what it is that makes me stay...through all of the joys and sorrows! The mess, the order, the chaos, the calm, the sweet , the sour, you name it we've experienced it! That is quite possibly the answer in itself! EXPERIENCE is what drives some away but I know it is what makes me stay! As I wrote yesterday! This is a journey I am not sure I can handle! I want it to end in a neat and tidy answer. A way to explain my pain and hurt, my fears and questions, my hopes my dreams!! I know it wont, just as that lady says.....it wont work out like that but it will work out! It will change me for the better or I've not done it right!
Anyway, to some this will be more rambling! I write for ME! I write to get it out! I write to let it go! although, I might have to do more than write! It is still here after 37 years! I want to leave the past in the past but it keeps coming back! I really think people come into our lives for a reason! EVERYONE of you, my friends family neighbors have a purpose for me! You to me or me to you!
Happy Birthday! The first few maybe! The rest have always felt a little hollow, I wonder if Emily feels that way! I love you Emily!